Setting Boundaries

Audio By Carbonatix

One of the reasons divorce is so difficult when children are involved is that when those children grow up and get married, there are a lot of extended family members to see on holidays or other special occasions. 

I talked to some people who celebrated a special occasion in their family and were frustrated because their whole day was spent trying to appease their parents and in-laws. For example, if a person marries someone whose parents are divorced and both remarried to other people, they will have three sets of parents to try to visit on that special day. Now, if both spouses’ parents are divorced and remarried, there are four sets of parents who are all competing for that couple’s attention and have set a place for them at the dinner table. 

Not wanting to upset anyone, this couple will try to make it around to see everyone on special occasions or holidays. They might begin with breakfast at the home of one set of parents and end with dessert at another’s, with the other relatives somewhere in between. They will end up sharing the same update about what is going on in their lives three or four times that day in order to properly update each parent. It will be easy for them to lose track of what they’ve said to who. They will believe they’ve told everybody the great news, but then one set of parents will find out that the other parents know something they don’t, and then they’ll be mad. At the end of the day, this couple doesn’t feel like talking to anyone, let alone each other. There is no time left for them to have their own private celebration. 

It’s so important for couples to set boundaries when they try to please well-intentioned parents and in-laws. If they don’t, they will not have time to see friends, meet other obligations in their life, or have any time to start traditions within their own immediate family. While it may be easier to accommodate in-laws and parents when there are no children in the picture, it’s a good idea to set boundaries early on in the marriage for how it will be in the future. If parents always get used to hearing their children say yes, it will be harder down the road when the couple wants to say no.

If you are a parent who is divorced and remarried, I want to share a few thoughts with you. Think back to when you were first married and remember how difficult it was to figure out all of that family time. Well, it’s double that for your children now that their parents are in two families. Also, keep in mind that it’s not your children’s fault that this situation exists. Therefore, try to be flexible with your schedule so they don’t feel pressured. This might include having to celebrate the holiday on a different day every other year. Come up with different options to offer them. Don’t be so quick to get frustrated with them when they aren’t able to come. It’s probably not going to be how it was when you were growing up or how you handled it with your in-laws and parents. Be creative with ways to see and spend time with them.

Time with family is important, but think in terms of quality, not quantity. Think outside the box when it comes to family time on special occasions so you can win more often at home.